I so wish to disclose all my inner thoughts and feelings to all of you on here. However, since I don't know who all reads this I continue to refrain from doing so. I suppose I can say this....
I remember back in Fall of 1998 when the Lord really began to draw me closer to Him. Many of you remember those days, too. As they were the days when He really began to awake you as well. In those days, months, and years to follow He began to clean me out. At first it was something like gutting a fish. So much of me being ripped out and discarded. Only, in His graciousness He'd replenish what He took with something much better. It happened so quickly and so much happened all at once. It was amazing! And I believed that all the desires of my heart would come to pass and that all the pain of the years past would be fully removed.
The years that followed have continued to be years of refining, just not in such a dynamic fashion as in those first couple of years. Yet, I find myself 10 years down the road from those first encounters wondering how much longer will I struggle with the same essential issue I have so much of my life. How much longer I will have to go through trials and life changes before this issue has been resolved, removed, remediated...or whatever? It just seems that no matter how much I fight for it or abide in Him trusting that He alone will take care of it, it just never goes away.
I am really at the point where I don't believe I will ever be free of this.
I thought after my years of Bloomfield God was bringing me to a new place to experience something new. To fulfill something in me that I have longed for all of my life. Still, I find the ache and longing with me. Greater now, perhaps, than ever before. Not that I fully know what that thing is. I sort of do. I just thought maybe I'd find out in these days and the He'd set me free from it fully and completely. Never to wrestle with it again. That the emptiness would once and for all disappear. That somehow I'd find the true fulfillment I've always longed for.
I do think I know what I long for.
I just don't know how it will ever happen.
Or is it even possible?
I've done all I ever knew to do.
Trusted Him with all my heart.
Really I have.
In so many ways He has been the only thing I've relied on for so very long.
What do you do when the only One who can fix the problem chooses not to do so?
How do you recover from that?
How do you ever trust Him again?
How do you ever want to even try to trust Him again?
I'm just so tired of all of it.
3 comments:
Wow... is there "something in the air"? I was thinking along the same lines this morning as I was waking up. The thoughts that were going through my head were, "I want to stop praying... I don't want to seek God anymore... I'm tired." And then I thought about how probably if I didn't seek God today another disaster in my attitude, mood, and actions would result. So I got out of bed and I have sought Him... not like deeply or for a long period of time... but with as much as was in me to seek Him I did. And I'm glad I did, because now I have the energy - the faith - as little as it may be, to seek him some more. My encouragement to you is... yes... it's tiring... but keep seeking Him, Jenny, even if you've only got like a dust mite of faith. Remember Abraham. Remember the "hall of faith" in Hebrews. Remember how all the people continued to live in faith until the Messiah finally came.
Don't give up now. I am believing with/for you that your breakthrough is coming! You have been on my heart and I am praying for you. Let us be your support and keep fighting! God didn't bring you this far to forget about you!
Praying with you Jenny!!!!!
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