Just Worshipping.....Just Remembering

Tonight I was talking with the Lord and the song “I Will Give You All My Praise” began to resound in my head. So, I found a CD with it on it and put it on repeat and began to do just that. Only as I did, memories, hopes & dreams, and realizations came into my mind. I was taken back to Neu Chapel where Jerry Wise would play his guitar and we’d all just worship with such naiveté and purity and passion and abandonment to any desire other than His presence.


Back then I didn’t really know what it meant when I would sing, “I will give you ALL my praise…ALL my worship…I will TRUST in YOU ALONE…” I meant it, but I just never knew how many things are at war for that place in my life. Back then I couldn’t imagine anything coming between me and Him.


I remember sitting outside on the steps of Neu Chapel talking with Becky, Steve Hart, Justin Furhman, and Peachy one night when I just got the overwhelming sense of the magnitude of all that God was going to do through us. What dreams and visions I had back then! How could I have such hope back then but have such little faith today? Was I just imagining things then? Or have I just lost my faith in His plans for my life today?

I remember waking up at 2 a.m. and feeling led to go on a walk in the snow. The walk led me to kneeling before the giant cross on the outer east wall of Neu Chapel. I laugh at that because I highly doubt He told me to do that, but in my desire to do anything and everything He asked I let my whole body become a popsicle! Today I imagine I would argue with Him if He asked me to do much of anything at 2 a.m. if I was already snuggled into my warm bed.

I remember warm summer nights in “the lion room” on Olive St. and how every time I hear the song “Hungry” I yearn for nothing more than to be back there again. Even if for only a single night. To this day it amazes me how the Holy Spirit would meet us in such magnificent ways week after week after week.

(Just for Sarah…..I remember being so confident in the power of the blood that we boldy began to "cast out demons" and then getting totally spooked and then conversing "in the spirit" and then getting bagels at 4 a.m. but laughing so hard about how goofy we had been just hours before that I almost choked to death on that scrumptious chocolate chip bagel!)

Since those times I know in many ways I’ve gotten out of shape spiritually. Yet, in so many ways I’ve gotten stronger. It confuses me so much so much of the time! Tonight as I was worshipping Him and just pleading for Him to draw near and speak to me He showed me how much I condemn myself for not being “perfect”. Then He just reminded me that He never expected me to be “perfect”. That He always knew where I’d be weak, but that He also gave me great strengths. Most of all that I don’t have to be perfect because of Jesus.

I was so humbled tonight. Just thinking about how much mercy and grace His pours down upon me. How I can be such a loser, but He still gives me such good things. How I can fight Him for “my” time, yet He gives of Himself freely when I sit silently for even a moment.

I miss all of you so much so much of the time. But (and I hope this doesn’t come out wrong) it isn’t just because of who you are…it’s because I could/can always see a glimpse of who Jesus is in you and a key to the what the Kingdom is supposed to look like. You were never afraid to be exuberant over the smallest revelation from Him and you never stopped seeking those revelations. In turn, I could do the same and was inspired to keep doing the same.

Because of things that have happened in the last couple of weeks I am believing God that He will give me those types of relationships again. A hope has overwhelmed me unlike anything in 2.5 years. As He told me, “It’s time”. And I can’t wait to see what that means!


I love and miss you all more than words can express. Thank you for being Jesus to me and to the WORLD! Rock on Jesus Freaks!