Up & Down Thoughts

I am sitting at home staring out over my balcony...just...thinking. At so many times lately I just start zoning out. I couldn't even tell you what I'm thinking in those times. I'm just at such a loss. I don't know what to do or how to make sense of my life at this point.


Do you all remember those days when God first "came on the scene" in your life"? Or I suppose it was more like when you first realized just how"on the scene" He's always been? When EVERYTHING was not only possible it was a certainty? There was no question or doubt that God was just so incredibly capable of doing all that I could even dare imagine. I never thought all the desires He put in my heart would happen right then but if anyone would have told me that it would be over a decade later before I would even come close to any of them I'm not sure I'd have stuck it out. Nah, instead God went and hooked me on His goodness so that now walking away is impossible! Because even as difficult as it is to understand all of this I can't imagine not being with Him. Even when I don't understand and hurt so deep within.


And right now the hurt is deep.


I feel like I have been cut to my core with my life blood slowly gushing out with each effort I make to believe God for something...for anything. Believing hurts. Afterall, isn't believing what got me here? Beliving that God would lead me and guide me to a place in life that was better? A place of knowing Him more and being taken care of? Sometimes believing is like salt on the open wound. It stings and seems to serve only to intensify the bleeding. Even so, I always seem to get myself back together and I dare to believe again. The pain subsides. The gushing stops. I hope again. I let myself desire more. Then, just when I think I can see their fulfillment on the horizon...WHACK! I get blindsided and somehow it all gets snatched away before my eyes. Soooooo close to my grasp. And the bleeding begins again. The pain much worse than before.

One verse that resonates with me continually is Proverbs 13:12 (I think?). It says, "Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life. "

So many times my hope has been deferred and all I know is that my heart has felt that. Sick. So sick. So beyond repair. Still....what must that "longing fulfilled" be like? It's part of what keeps me going. I mean, if the "heart sick" part is that true and so intense then what must the opposite be like?

Ah and yes! This brings me to how I'm trying to hope again. What I hope He is trying to teach me through all of this. "This" being my life!

My hope must be in Him.


I was driving home from the dr. last week and all I knew to pray was, "God, please! Let my hope be in YOU!" Not in man's words spoken over me...good or bad. Not in what I see or feel or am capable of. I want to hope in Him because I think that if I can ever get a good grasp on who He is...even just a basic understanding...yeah...what kind of difference would that make? Hoping in Him alone means that the hope will never be deferred. Right? He IS the promise fulfilled. The tree of life.

I just want it all. All that He has. If that means I must lose everything then...PLEASE GOD! TAKE IT ALL! I was meant for more than this! I know I was! More than the heartache, the physical pain, the emotional turmoil. I know this to be true! And the sooner I lose it all to gain it all the better!

Still....it scares me.

Maybe that's why I've not let it all go yet.

I don't think I'll ever have complete peace until I let it all go.

There is something so great warring inside of me that has been bound up for so long. If it doesn't get set free soon I don't think I will make it in this world much longer.

Please God! Be my longing fulfilled. My tree of life.