Let Me Hold You Until I'm Done

I so wish I could share this verbally. My writing does not do any of it justice. But at least you'll get the gist. (And I'll have it recorded for my own sake to reflect upon later!)

Saturday 12/29 (evening session) - It was on this evening that I had the most profound personal encounter with the Lord. However, it didn't start off well. I was in severe pain because of my hip and couldn't even tolerate sitting in the chairs. I had retreated to the prayer room for a bit so that I could lay down to eliminate some of the pain. It was really, really bad. Still, I didn't want to miss the teachings. So I went back upstairs. When I returned to the upstairs it was still bad so I laid down on the cold concrete in the very back of the auditorium where I could rest against the wall. This location would prove to be vital to the events that unfolded.

The speaker was a very funny, yet profound man by the name of Allen Hood. He began to talk to us about God's mercy. Something that God really taught me about when I was back in my last few months in Bloomfield, but Allen gave a unique perspective on it. He shared with us how it is that God delights in showing us mercy. So much of the time we look at God's mercy as something He has to do and thus does so begrudgingly. But no! He delights in it! He enjoys His job! That was pretty cool to hear. Still, it was what came next that that really had me undone.

He recounted a story about his son who was 4-years-old at the time. How he was a very tender-hearted child who disciplining was often difficult because he was the type who knew he'd done something wrong and just a stern look would send him into tears and trembles. So, on this one occasion he needed disciplining, but just as he was about to spank him his son cried out, "Dad! Have mercy!" So, he made a deal with him. Allen said he wouldn't spank him if his son would let him hold him until he was done showing mercy. He said, "Let me hold you until I'm done." His son agreed, but was really not relaxed for some time, but eventually he just relaxed and sank into his father's loving, tender, trustworthy, MERCIFUL embrace.

This all really drove home the point. GOD IS MERCIFUL and HE LOVES SHOWING US MERCY. I, along with almost everyone else in the place, was in tears by this time. Still, the best part was yet to come for me.

By sitting in the very, very back there was a gap of space between the chairs and myself. In that gap many parents were walking their children in strollers or by the tiny hands of their toddlers. So, while this message was coming forth the Lord was showing me, explaining to me, allowing me to really understand how much parents adore their children for no reason other than that they are theirs. (He'd even been positioning me next to or behind fathers with baby girls the other places I'd sat during the conference.) Since this has always, always, always been a difficult thing for me to believe it was a pretty major thing. But He wasn't finished......

As the music began and the response to the message was coming forth I began to ask the Lord why it was that, as my Father, He wouldn't just heal my hip and take away the pain. Like with most of the other times during the conference I could hear His voice SO clearly. Unlike anything I've ever experienced. So, I began to cry out, "Father, have mercy on me! Please, have mercy! I don't deserve it. I haven't followed all that I could have done years ago. Please, have mercy! Please!" Then, He first brought to mind a very simple blog I'd written last year where I'd wrote (basically), "I NEED PEOPLE! I JUST WANT PEOPLE! GOD, JUST ONE FRIEND! I JUST NEED PEOPLE!" Then He spoke to me and said, "See, I answered that FAR above what you'd even asked for. I will do the same for your healing. In my timing." Then I noticed the song that had come forth. The primary line was, "Let me hold you until I'm done". So, I asked Him to just hold me until it is done. Just, when the pain is unbearable and I feel like I can't take it, that He'd just hold me in those times. Until it is done. He agreed. :) Now, I no longer believe for my healing because I "should" as a Christian, but I believe because HE SPOKE IT TO ME.

STILL, THE BEST PART came next.....

As I was worshiping Him, just basking in His presence I began to hear Him speaking to me, first quietly, but it rapidly grew to a shouting. This is what He said:

I LOVE YOU!
I LOVE YOU!
I LOVE YOU!
I LOVE YOU!
I LOVE YOU!
I WILL SHOUT IT FROM THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAINS!
I LOVE YOU, JENNY!
YOU ARE SO BEAUTIFUL TO ME!
I LOVE YOU!

And that is THE FIRST time I've ever truly believed that He loves me. It broke my heart. I wept.

Very soon after one of the mothers who was pushing her baby in a stroller during all of this came up to me. She said, "As I was walking I felt the Lord want me tell you that HE LOVES YOU SO MUCH! And then He gave me a verse for you, Song of Solomon 2:14."

I thanked her and then wept some more.

All of that in itself was amazing. By far the most amazing encounter I've had with God in all my life. It was simple, but so profound. The depth of the Truth that penetrated my heart is hard to even explain. It was miraculous.

What is more incredible to me is that ever since I moved here I've been having people come up to me and say the same thing. (Minus the verse.) Over and over and over again. Only, I'd sort of shrugged it off thinking it was a generic sort of exhortation. Now I realize none of those times was that the case. Each time He was trying to get that message across to me. HE LOVES ME! He really does.

If the conference had ended at this point I'd have gotten all I really needed. This night changed me. It changed all my understanding how He sees me. What His intentions are for me. His love for me. It was a dramatic shift in thinking. Dramatic. It has made me want to sit at His feet, or on His lap, continuously since then. He loves me. And I think I'm just now beginning to know how to love Him back.

Yes, that entire day was good.