Homesick?

I’ve lived here just over 2 months now. I’m missing a few things from home, but nothing major. I’m mostly missing the changing of seasons. Autumn has always been my favorite season and the lack of colorful foliage and the crispness in the air that accompanies these fall months is something I long for. It’s funny to me that some days I still walk outside and start to perspire simply by being in the heat of the day. I’m not complaining because I actually like it, I just wish I could have the best of both worlds. Yep, I want it all!

What is odd to me is that I have a homesick feeling, but not for Indiana. Not for any one person. Not for anything specific I’ve known in the past. I’m homesick but for something I’ve yet to experience; if that can be possible. I realized that this homesick feeling has been within me for a very long time but it wasn’t until I moved here, which led to a lot of surface issues being eliminated thus leading to my daily surroundings making each day a delight, that I’ve come realize this. At the heart of all I am there is a longing. A longing for…………something. I just don’t know what that “something” is.

I’ve been praying about it a lot, thinking about it more than one can imagine, and have pondered it until I’m weary. Still I haven’t a clue. I can say this, (and please, no one freak out about me or start worrying or whatever) it’s the thing that leads me to forever ask God to take my life. I have this conversation with Him multiple times each day. In the best of times and the worst of times, it’s still my primary request. I am thankful and happy with my life, but I’d still rather not be part of this world. There is nothing in this life that brings me real happiness. Nothing on a deep level and surely nothing that removes this feeling that is forever with me. Nothing that I look forward to each day or can’t live without. This is not counting God and all that is wrapped up in Him. I literally fall asleep with a smile on my face most nights anymore and find myself laughing at things that I know are thoughts from Him. I am happy and content in Him. I know I am. Still, even with the fulfilling relationship I have with God, I still have this longing. Perhaps that sounds like a contradiction. And that is part of why it bothers me like it does. How can I be happy about my life, happy with my relationship with God, thankful, blessed, delighted, etc. etc. etc., yet still, at the heart of all I feel and feel that I am, have this feeling that something is missing? How can you feel like your relationship with God is good…really good…yet feel like it’s not enough?

There is just an emptiness that seems to be within me constantly. Even in the times when I feel that I’m curled upon my Heavenly Father’s lap wrapped in His embrace. There is just an emptiness that I can liken only to homesickness. I don’t get it but I so wish it would leave me. Or that He’d at least reveal to me what it is that causes this feeling.

I’m not asking anyone for answers here. I just need an outlet for sharing and thinking through my thoughts. J