I lie here at 2 am thinking, wondering, pondering. I am so desperate to share my thoughts and feelings right now. With someone. Anyone. Yet I can't honestly remember the last non-school, non-random person at a store that I spoke with. Let alone really share with. I've never felt so disconnected from everything and everyone that has ever been a part of my existence. I've never been so disconnected from my own thoughts and feelings for that matter. Will this ever change? Will THIS ever change...THIS life? The way that it is? People keep saying that Texas will be different. How do they know? THIS was supposed to be different. (Truly is has been, but not in a good way.) I've never felt so dead inside. Not this side of meeting Him. Never felt so far from even wanting to be alive inside. I am nearly 3 decades old and have nothing to show for my existence on this planet and no hope or vision of that ever changing. Part of the old vision was fulfilled leaving me wondering why I ever held it in such high regard or pursued it with such vigor. The rest of the vision slowly withered, is now dead, and is decaying before my eyes causing greater agony over it's loss. It's dead, but is still before my eyes reminding me of what will never be. What's the point in it all?